How to Make a Decision

Despite all the information at our disposal, it is harder than ever to make even the simplest decisions. We have been conditioned to believe there is a single best option and our Ego and the Shaytan have convinced us that if we make pro and con lists, read all the reviews, and spend hours conducting research we can know the right answer. However, Allah repeatedly reminds us in the Qur’an that He is al-Aleem (the All-Knowing), that He knew everything that would or could happen even before creation, that He knows all and we know not. It is our negligence of this simple reality that causes us so much anxiety.

Our information obsession has caused us to fear uncertainty. Today, we would rather pack a million things for a trip “just in case” than to trust that Allah will suffice. However, uncertainty, like many other feelings, is a blessing. It is a divine reminder from Allah about a fundamental truth of this world: we humans have no power, and we are always dependent on God’s Mercy, Guidance, and Love. So instead of trying to run away from uncertainty, we can embrace it as a mercy from God and use it to get closer to him. We are not meant to know what will happen in the future, Allah designed our lives to unfold moment by moment precisely to test our faith and trust in Him.

Uncertainty is a tool to remind us of our limitations and our dependence on Allah al-Aleem, The All-Knowing. When we feel frustrated because we don’t know which brand to purchase or which university attend, take a moment to recognize that frustration and use it as a signal to turn to Allah and renew our reliance on Him. There is nothing wrong with the feeling of anxiety it’s how we respond to the feeling that matters, can we turn that “negative” feeling into an act faith?

After acknowledging the feeling of uncertainty and embracing it as a reminder to return to Allah, we have tools such as the prayer for guidance -Salat al-Istikharah. The companions have said that they were taught the prayer of guidance as much as the Quran*. This is an amazing tool but only if done with the right mindset. Because often times you will not get guidance in an easily-digestible sign and this is where you have to go with how you feel — your heart.

Although we may have an inclination of what we prefer, we often get caught up endlessly going over things in our heads analyzing and thinking through different scenarios. Our Ego and the Shaytan have us so wrapped up in our thoughts we do not pay any attention to our feelings. Our intuition, gut reaction, sixth sense or any other term we have for unidentifiable source of knowledge are more informative in these situations. That sense we get that something feels right or something feels off is one mechanism Allah uses send us guidance. Trust it.

It can be hard to trust our feelings because most of us have been taught to ‘be smart’ ‘use your head’ and ‘think rationally’. For the majority of our lives we’ve been encouraged to use our mind and ignore our heart and our feelings. To the point that many of us do not recognize or honor our feelings and we struggle to trust ourselves and make a decision without checking something.

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To break free we have to cultivate and pay more attention to our internal guidance so that we can build back our trust in ourselves. Only we know what feels right for us and no list, “best practices”, or generic advice can apply to our individual experience of life. Thus, when it comes to making a difficult decision we must turn inward.

Using our feelings as a guide there will be three situations for a difficult decision:

1. YES inclination- you will have a general sense that you want to accept and opportunity and move forward. Even if on paper there are several question marks and potential for things to go awry you feel good and hopeful about the prospect. With this feeling you trust Allah and move forward. Believe that Allah will make a way for you, push negativity out of your mind and see the good.
2. NO inclination- there is a sense that this is not right, it doesn’t feel good and the concerns you have simply don’t sit well with you. In this case you walk away. Trust Allah will replace it with something better. For many people it can be hard to walk away because saying yes seems like progress and forward movement- getting married, taking the job, getting the degree all seem like a step forward and to say no to them seems like standing still. Or worse starting over- rejecting a job offer or marriage proposal means you’ll have to start the whole process again and this process was so long and painful you don’t want to do it again so instead you will just try and make it work. That is almost always a bad idea. I have never heard of a case where someone dismissing a bad feeling or ignored misgivings they had and everything worked out and was good later on. So when the inclination is to n it takes MORE trust and faith in Allah to act on that feeling and walk away. Understand that you are not standing still, you are powerfully building your relationship with Allah by telling Him- I know you will bring me something better. I trust you enough to let this go.
3. FEAR inclination- In some cases you may become caught up in fearful thoughts about the prospect. Thoughts like what will people think? Will I be successful? How will I manage? This isn’t how I imagined or planned things? These fearful thoughts can make it seem like you are inclining towards no. However, usually what this means it that you are actually inclining towards yes but scared of what the yes will bring. In this case you have to clear the fearful thoughts, build your trust in Allah and decide yes. This is because a true inclination towards no will not have specific reasons that you can pinpoint- you will just feel that things don’t sit right even if everything seems great according to a pro con list. Fearful thoughts that are specific come from the ego trying to crush the inclination towards yes. You will have a sense that this is something to say yes to and then almost immediately have the voice of fear jump in with a list of worries.

For more clarity let’s take an example of a woman, Noor, deciding whether or not to get married to Hamza.

YES inclination — Noor has been talking to Hamza for a few months. They have several issues they disagree on but they have been respectful in their disagreements. She knows she doesn’t know everything about Hamza but she has been honest in sharing her views on lifestyle, religiosity and intimacy and senses he has been genuine with her. She feels comfortable with Hamza and positive about a future with him.

Noor decided yes and trusts that Allah will bless their marriage. She focuses on the positive parts of their relationships and works through disagreements with respect and grace.

NO inclination — Hamza seems like the perfect match- he is the age, ethnicity and occupation that Noor has always envisioned for herself. When they talk Hamza seems to say all the right things. Still Noor doesn’t feel completely at peace, she feels like something is off and as much as she wants to be interested and excited about Hamza she isn’t.

Noor decides no and trusts that Allah will bring someone who is a better match for her. She realizes that just because it seems great on paper doesn’t mean it is she trusts her feelings to let him go. She looks for the lessons she has learned from taking to Hamza and understands that her time with him was not a waste. She walks away with full trust and confidence in Allah to provide her the best spouse.

FEAR inclination — Noor enjoys talking with Hamza. Things feel good when they are together and they have discussed compromises to the issues they differ on. They only thing is that Hamza is tied to a location that she doesn’t like and her family and friends would look down on. Noor is worried about what they will think of him and what they will think of her. She is scared Hamza won’t be accepted or will be treated differently. She doesn’t want to constantly be defending him and is afraid it would affect their relationship.

Noor realizes that she has found a good match in Hamza. Her fears about where they will live are her own projection onto her family and friends. She works to accept Hamza as he is and clear her thinking around what is an appropriate place. Once she can get over this insecurity herself she decides yes to Hamza and promotes and champions him to her family.

When it comes to making a difficult decision throw away the pro/con list, ask Allah for guidance and focus on your feelings.

*Narrated Jabir bin ‘Abdullah: The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam used to teach us the way of doing istikhara (istikhara means to ask Allah to guide one to the right sort of action concerning any job or a deed), in all matters as he taught us the Surats of the Quran.

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